Before I had children, I thought I had it all figured out. I would roll my eyes at mothers in the grocery store who couldn’t seem to keep their kids in the cart and out of aisles, or cringe when the host at a restaurant would seat a family with an unruly toddler near my table.
I mean, the audacity of some people to think that they have the right to bring their children into a public place, and let them act like….well, children. I remember thinking, “When I have kids, things will be different. They will sit quietly in the cart at the grocery store, and refrain from asking for things that are not on the shopping list. If I take my kids to restaurant, they will, once again, sit quietly, eat what they ordered; and NEVER spill their drinks.”
As most parents already know, the fantasy of sophisticated parents with sophisticated minions for children is just that … a fantasy.
I believe Bill Cosby said it best in a stand-up routine almost 30 years ago, “My wife and I were intellectuals before we had children. We were very, very bright people.”
Before I had children, I considered myself an intellectual. Now I find myself saying things that I never thought I would say, as an intellectual or as a parent.
“Here, just wipe your nose on Mommy’s sleeve.”
“Does anyone mind if I keep my breast milk in the office freezer?”
“Can you put some panties on before you play in the mud?”
“Please don’t pee in the bath. That is yucky! Oh! Don’t drink the bath water. That is really yucky!”
“Hurry! Hold him down, while I suck out the boogers.”
“Does his penis look normal to you?”
“Can you show me how to work Daddy’s iPad?”
“Why don’t you go dance for your brother? He’s feeling lonely.”
“I’m sorry officer. I really don’t know how my 6 month old managed to dial 911, but I assure you, we are all safe in Bishop house.”
So, if you find yourself making senseless declarations in front of random strangers, or maybe you can’t go to the bathroom without a full scale interrogation by a four year old… If the smell of spit up brings back the most precious memories, and you still wake to the tiniest little whimper or cough. If “mommy” is the sweetest word in the world… Then here’s to you…
Happy Mother’s Day!